There is many ways to perceive confidence. I think with much conditioning, confidence becomes something unattainable, unsustainable and hard to comprehend. We live each day as if there is something to look forward to rather than being consumed by the day. The innate desire to control what we do with our time at all time will drive you to madness. To be bored is an excellent remedy to understanding confidence. It is an itch that cannot be replaced by cheap chemical engineering. I have struggled a lot with the shame that surrounds the use of the computer and my cell phone mainly due to the responsibilities lost due to doom scrolling. Rather than to choose shame, I decided to sit with it. Sit with the uncomfortable truth that is making my body tense up like a brick. I feel so tense, all the time. What am I confronting with this storm? I asked myself.

When you feel like you have never fit into the living world, it becomes much easier to find refuge behind a wall of ones and zeros. What I couldn’t comprehend is how real it actually can be and become. Contrary to popular belief, I wholehearthedly think that we live in one of the best time on planet Earth. We so desperately chase the days of nostalgia and the highs of the unknown. Nostalgia living in the “better days” as if time as already run its course. We chase the intoxicating fumes of life through curated experiences. But nothing compares to the brut force of sitting uncomfortably in a world you had all forgotten about. You. You are responsible for remembering. For remembering which world you want to be a part of. One of misery or one of agency. To gain autonomy comes with its own set of abilities and responsibilities. When you meet the architect of the in betweens— YOU. It becomes much harder to be anything but confident. Confident in everything you sets your mind to. Confident in making a choice. Confident in deciding to quit. Confidence comes from a place of non-caring for the non-carers. The verb confidere (Latin root of the word confidence) itself is composed of com-, an intensive prefix, and fidere, meaning “to trust,” derived from the Proto-Indo-European root bheidh- (“to trust, confide, persuade”). Only then can you accept that the reality you want is only a few personal choices away.

Unlike when only one world was perceive by the mass, there is now endless doors of opportunities for those courageous enough to take their own foot steps into their desired realities. Confidence comes from a place of sitting with discomfort. Understanding your truths. Dismanteling the beliefs systems instilled deep into the core of your Soul. Finding the source of one’s beliefs. The internal tugs are guides you must take seriously, for they will make you listen some other ways.

I have been searching, I have been cruising, yet I get called upon here to share. Perhaps all this time what I needed was to accept the place that was my very first teacher. An eager child, to learn, I was. On youtube, surfing for tutorials. Hair, make-up, cakes or making a bow out of obsession for Katniss Everdeen, I was a child of knowledge. I lost it in my teenage years. That curiosity. That creative flame. It called back, after years of losing my way, then finding it. I get called home by that same flame. The one that taught me that being me was always enough. Like a Salmon looking for its final resting place, I believe I have come upstream. This is home, and knowing my luck, I can turn this into what I do for the rest of my life; sharing. Through songs, through art and through authenticity, I can share the wisdom of a nomadic soul.

Poem

The pattern is first,

The context appears

The words follows

Intuition goes

It trusts

The melody shapes

Into a rythm of improvisation

I’m a creator

Of songs,

I tell.

I scream.

I sing.

In my own world,

I find the words.

Hard to reach

Too often

I forgot they even exists.